Monday, April 27, 2009

We Interrupt This Blog To Bring You A Life

Yep, that's right - I am ass-deep in the here and now people, with very little time for the ether. I've written posts, while I'm standing half asleep under the watering can that passes for my shower these days (old pipes flaking are kill-ing me - there are days I could gleefully take a sledgehammer to my plumbing, but then I'd have no shower spray to doze under, and so it goes) but the distance from the shower to the computer is obstructed by some sort of time warp; you can't get there from here, so those poor posts withered on the mental vine, like water-starved cantaloupes.

I quit volunteering at school. I can't say why I quit, because litigation is a rampant, rabid animal in our downwardly spiralling society. Suffice to say it was a hard decision and even now I'm bitter and depressed about what had to be. But I'm moving on, because what the hell else is there to do?

We took the boys up to Washington DC during Easter break and made the fatal error of arriving smack dab in the middle of the Cherry Blossom Festival and a marathon going on at the Mall. I swear to you, I've never seen so many GD strollers and mini-monsters in my life. It seemed like each set of Uber parents/freaking idiots had three toddlers in tow. Because three year olds get so much out of being dragged through a museum, or two or three, and you know that Mom and Dad saw absolutely nothing but that same three year old, running six paces ahead through heavy crowds. People: that is why there are Children's museums in the world - so you can teach little kids how to go to the big museums. The Smithsonian has 14 museums - to see even 3 or 4 in a day requires longer legs, and more maturity than the average toddler possesses. and guess just how much of that trip to the museum those toddlers are actually going to remember? That's right - zippity do dah, nada, zilch. So what was the point?

I started the long awaited overhaul of my 1950s/redone in the 80s kitchen last week. Money is tight (is that really news to anyone?) so we're doing most of the labor to keep the cost low. I started with the paint, because it's the easiest and gives me the impression we're moving right along. The ripping up of the floor and the countertops will have to wait until summer, when the fascist regime's annoying schedules have abated for a few months (You did know I was talking about public school and their anti-family bullshit, right?) and we can live without a kitchen for a few days. It's going to be beautiful, even though right now I still have mauve (I shit you not!) counters and pink floor tiles, and I hate pink - oh my god I hate pink! When it's finished, the counters will be black granite with a stainless steel backsplash; the floor will be industrial grade black linoleum (because its easier on the feet, CHEAP, and belongs in a 1950s house) polished to a high shine, and the walls will be a lovely sap green (Home Despot called it "Scottish Isle") and the cabinets will be "Asparagus" green. The funny thing about those colors - they're really close matches to what was originally in there, before the rat bastards who lived here before us came along, made the kitchen mauve, and nailed giant nails into every damn wall in the house. I'm pretty sure I'll be cursing their name anew when we pull up the tile in the kitchen - they didn't think to tile under the appliances, because they were lazy DIY rat bastards with no taste or work ethic to speak of. And this is me, holding back the vitriol, because Oh Mein Gott in Himmel - you would hate them too, if you could have seen this house when they moved out.

Oh yeah, and I'm working on archiving an old family scrapbook of history, that I can't just do the way I want to, because there are too many family fingers in the pie. Because hell isn't complete without a little familial meddling and the omnipresent phone calls from my mother, whose special talent is calling right at the time of evening when Honey and I are thinking, "Hey! Let's get naked and get in love, baby!"

Riiinngg!

So this is me right now - a little frothy with the hate, but trying to focus on the positive. Oh, and definitely going out to buy a new phone, so we can SCREEN, dammit! "But other than that, I'm perfect!" - "Weird Science"

How you doin'?

18 comments:

Kelley said...

Oh, you crack my ass up. But I'm glad to hear that you're alive and well.

If it's any consolation, I just finished massacring, er, refinishing a guest bathroom in my new house. Previous tenant (a.k.a. my mother) had cherub-themed wall paper border in there. Not shitting you. Em-effing cherubs.

Be well! :)

CSquaredPlus3 said...

So great to hear from you! I'm fine - status quo with Ross Inc. here in Utah.

It was great to read your wonderful update full of frustrations and exciting things. I agree with you completely about toddlers being banned from real museums. One of the frustrating things about living in Utah is kids are EVERYWHERE. We finally save a few nickles, go out to what we think is a "nice" restaurant and there's too damn many kids there! We left our little people at home... and don't want to listen to YOURS.

Your kitchen remodel sounds gorgeous! Black granite will be lovely but keep in mind it will show dust. I have a black table. I wipe one area after a child has eaten, but end up having to wipe down the entire table because it shows the gnat-sized-dandruff-dust that's accumulate in the past 20 minutes. Just speakin' the truth in love, girlfriend.

Loved "Weird Science".

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Me? I'm barely keeping my nose above water too and my blog feels like a shackle.

Kudos on the kitchen redo. You have more guts than me!

tysdaddy said...

Oh twin of mine! How I have longed for your wit and sarcasm!

Good to hear from you . . .

Litigation, eh? Sounds positively lovely. Can I come over and help you bang your head against the wall? I imagine you're fed up with the effort . . .

And your kitchen? My mental image is filled with all sorts of smells and sights. When can I come over for coffee?

Again, good to hear from you . . .

Madge said...

i wondered where you were -- when i finally decided to come back. what is with real life anyways? blech, i'm tired of it.

Pyzahn said...

She's back!!!!!

Really, I had given up on you. But with kitchen construction I can understand the hiatus.

Glad to see you return to the blogosphere.

VelveetaWingnut said...

Glad to see you back cuz...you'll not regret the kitchen thing. It's the best!

Arizaphale said...

Slap, pick-up, ball change and tiiiiiiime step! You are tap dancin' pretty close to the edge of that reason at present eh? I am feeling for you, glad to hear from you and thanking God that it is not me pulling out a kitchen (been there, done that, 11 weeks cooking out of an electric frypan in the dining room and washing dishes in the bath >:-(...)
Oh and DON'T ANSWER the phone!!!!! If it's not your mother it's mine telling you the latest reason why she thinks you might be turning into an alcoholic. Mwah.
Word verification here is 'readacid'!

Gaston Studio said...

Renovations are hell to do but the end results are so rewarding. Pink, yuk!

Get a new phone!!!

Cynthia said...

I so enjoyed the rant! :^) Mostly because you remind me so much of my ranty, random moods...;^)
And, don't hold it against me, because I like pink, but I HATE mauve!!!! Oh, Lord, why was that EVER allowed to be a decorator color? Or a clothing color. Or an anything, really. Mauve. Even the word itself sounds disgusting.
And I'm with you on the kids in museums. Sweet Little Baby Jesus. Take them to McDonald's Land, take them out to the playroom, buy everybody a happy meal and stare off into the great oblivion as if you were ever going to get out of it.
:^)
C

Heather said...

Did you say public schools & litigation in the same sentence. I am in love.

The mauve sounds putrid.

A Free Man said...

Good to see a new post from you. I've lived in so many houses where some nut has torn out beautiful original features in favor of something that, while it probably seemed like a good idea in 1982, is just dire.

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

....and when you're done, you can come help me paint my house. No? Didn't think so, but it was worth a shot.

It's going to look fabulous dahling! Hang in there.

Maggie, Dammit said...

That kitchen is gonna look amazing. Sorry about the school woes. I was just thinking about you yesterday. When are you gonna road trip up here? August must be hellish down there....

hele said...

so cool to read you.

i have been thinking about you and hoping you are well.

sorry to hear about the volunteering.

hope you have lots of happy "Let's get naked and get in love, baby!" moments.

*

FairiesNest said...

Hi Sis! I'm so jealous of the kitchen redo...sigh...one of these days. And you'll have to call and tell me about the school shite...WTH? I am SO thankful my kids got to go to an open school!

BrightBoy said...

I just wanted to let you know I have a new blog. Go to my profile to find it!

bandick said...

Pickle! I'm so bummed I didn't check this last Monday because it was my birthday and "seeing" you again would have been a great present. Now just tell my how to guilt Bea into a post and I'm on it!