Thursday, September 15, 2011

Mission Statement For ME

It has been a dark vista for some time, here at the Edge of Reason. The mental weather has been overcast and drizzly for far too long and frankly, my feet are webbing from prolonged exposure to mud puddles of deepest despair. My raincoat of support is old and tattered - more misery gets in than is kept out anymore, and my umbrella of love has been turned inside out - I am drenched to the skin with profound sadness.

The obvious solution, in terms of metaphors, is to get a new umbrella and raincoat, isn't it? But I am used to my raincoat and fond of my umbrella, which makes it hard to know whether I should patch and repair or just replace them. And a metaphor cannot possibly illustrate the nature of the damage done to that raincoat or umbrella.

It's easy to tell someone to snap out of a dark funk - it is far more difficult to actually do the snapping. It's really more like a dragging of oneself out of the pit (of despair) and commencing to dredging the muddy misery out of your clothes, your hair, your soul, while the storm rages on all around, pelting you with more.

I know I can only change myself, I know I need to leave certain pieces of myself behind in order to do that. It is far easier to say it than it is to do it, however, if you consider that it might be necessary to cut out 20 years or more of your life and throw it away.

I wonder sometimes if I had amnesia, if it would make it easier for me to be who I really am. I would no longer bend under the negative opinions and influence of my family, because they would no longer exist. I could discover who I am without their prejudice of who they need me to be. I might actually believe I have some worth if I was out from under the thumb of misogyny and selfishness that is my familial inheritance. This is what I struggle against daily. This is what silences my words, my voice, my soul - people who say they care while they crush me underfoot, and seek to discredit what I say because it reflects badly upon them to have the truth put out there for the world to see. I have offered love and support to my family for as long as I have been alive, and I have received in return their apathy, and the lies they tell to take the weight of responsibility for their damaged lives off of themselves.

I am done. I am divorcing myself from these people, for the sake of ME. I think I have earned the right to not be involved, to not be held culpable for the poor choices of others. To finally live my life as I see fit.


Zephyr said...

Oh honey, you have EVERY right to live your life as you see fit. You don't even have to earn that right... it's just yours. *hugs*

Arizaphale said...

Oh yea. Families can do your head in alright. I spent a few years in therapy in my late thirties and early forties, figuring out how to love those people despite their woeful inadequacies. I remember the day my counsellor asked 'when are you going to stop letting your mother have power over you?'......what a concept!But stepping away for a while may be your answer. I lived 12 000 miles away from my family for 14 years before I was ready to go back and exorcise the demons. You go girl. You live life as you see fit!

BrightenedBoy said...

You certainly do have that right, and you don't need amnesia to do it. Just a hard resolve. I say that as someone who has much experience with destructive family members and with the painful process of cutting them away.

I know that you are a strong and beautiful woman who has so much to offer. Do you remember a few years ago when I was having a rough time with my parents and you offered me, a perfect stranger, a place to stay in your home? That's the kind of woman you are. Please don't ever, ever forget that. Don't let their distorted picture define who you are. They're wrong. They're so wrong.

And keep writing, would you? It's good to hear what you have to say.

Have you thought about talking to a therapist? That's a step I had to take again fairly recently, and I know it was the right one.