Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I have an inner restlessness lately, I just can't shake. All my projects are in stasis, for one reason or another. I made a batch of cookie dough, but I don't feel like baking it. The women in my painting stare sightlessly out at me, waiting for definition; for life, but I stare right back at them, equally blind.

Is it the weather? Maybe - its been kind of gray for several days now. We need the rain, and I love it when it rains in the spring, but the pervasive damp and the perpetual gray push me ever closer to the mental edge. You know, the edge where I burst out in tears over a damn lame joke, like last week (and again, Ray - mea culpa, man). Yeah, that's not good.

I think a part of it is school. The field trips and projects due have ramped up recently, and both require more of my personal time. The Bohemian, who was doing so well with the reading, has slumped again, so every night we're taking extra time to have him read to us. It doesn't leave much time for grown-up interaction, which makes both myself and the hub-man cranky. We still have a month and a half left before summer vacation; we're at the end of the tunnel, but damn, this last 7 weeks feels like pure torture. I love my kids, and they're really pretty good guys, but Oh My God, they have turned into Essence of Pure Boy, and some days, it just pushes me to the Dark Side, making manicures, teased hair, and fluffy pink shit look almost inviting (Noooooooo!)

I've sat down to write but nothing is really flowing, except discontent. I could get lost in painting, finding faces for those women, but my schedule is all chopped up with school related shtuff, so my mind is equally chummed and unable to focus in on minutiae.

You know what? I think its time for the guys to take a weekend trip to visit the grandparents and give Mom a couple of days of absolute silence, so I can reboot my brain.

Of course, that won't work this weekend, because there's a damn field trip to Winston-Salem on Friday that won't be back until after 5 PM. Did I mention that I loathe school?

11 comments:

thailandchani said...

There is some sort of stasis going on everywhere. It would be interesting to hear what an astrologer has to say about it. Truly, this seems to be "in the air".

Either that or we're just on the same wavelength at the moment and I am globalizing it. :)

Madge said...

your post is exactly what i've been feeling and haven't sat down to write. instead i've been posting stupid boring crap. the field trips and school projects are ramped up here too. this week is our last big hurrah for that. i feel like i'm drowning in all of it and there's nothing left.

and if i think this is bad wait until summer rolls around....

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

Man! They never told you when you finally got out of the hell that was public school that you would be dragged back in with your own kids. You was robbed gurl! I do hope you get some much deserved peace and quiet soon.

flutter said...

sounds like paralysis by analysis to me, love. Get out and get moving. Let your body be your guide. Your muse will make her way back

bandick said...

Are there actually people in the world who BAKE their cookie dough? I say, find a comfie chair, a crappy movie, and polish it off!

Lara said...

Wish I could send you the weather we had yesterday and today. You'd be revitalized!

I know I am getting closer to revitalized anyway.

But trust me, a weekend to reboot your brain is not asking nearly enough... go for a full week. It'll be worth it!

Revenant said...

I think you should take lara's advice! Rest up deary.

FairiesNest said...

I'm thinking perhaps grandpa needs to take the boys to Camp Tommy this weekend! Or maybe you and Bea should come pay me a visit!

maggie, dammit said...

I am right there with you, babe. It sucks. Give yourself permission to wait it out -- that's always the toughest part for me. Just being OK with the inertia. Easing up on myself. Not working so hard to fix it, or, mostly, feeling guilty as all fuck that I'm not doing a thing to fix it. Maybe it's OK to just sit with it. You know?

Gypsy said...

I don't have kids, and I'm feeling spent and sundered. What is it? Some sort of seasonal malaise, perhaps?

Here's wishing you some adult time, STAT.

Jennifer H said...

You need a couple of days of quiet. If you can't get two days, try to get one.

I know that feeling. I like what Flutter said. Couldn't hurt.