Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Emo Ranting (And now I'm going to go sulk in my room)

I'm lying here, in a puddle of my own self pity. I can't seem to drag myself out of this funk, shower off the self-indulgent wallowing residue and DO something about all this apathy. My apathy, my husband's apathy, my children's apathy - I can't take it all on, and I don't want to. But neither do they, and the effort of making them just take care of their own pile of stuff to do wears me out, leaves me angry and desolate at the same time.

Don't tell me what to do, even if you mean well. I have enough people telling me what to do right now, and that isn't really helping. I'm introspective enough to figure out what's going on, eventually anyway, and phoenix-like, I'll rise again. But will they? It's hard to fly when someone's hanging onto your wings, crying, "But what'll we have for dinner? Where are my underwear?"

See, need isn't the same thing as love. Need is grasping, clawing, selfish. Love is nurturing, unselfish, giving. We might need to be needed, but it doesn't take the place of love. Love replenishes us, need sucks us dry. Need often tries to pass itself off as love, but it's perpetual hunger always kills what would have thrived with love.

(Wow, was that vague and rambling enough? Dead giveaway that I'm teetering on Batsa right now, isn't it? I wish I could be more concise, more philosophical, more like the duck's back of Buddha, letting all the shit roll off and going "Ohm", but it ain't happening, not right now.)

19 comments:

Gaston Studio said...

Been there, done that, so I feel for you. Hope you can find peace soon.

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

Emo or not, I love what you had to say about need vs love. Aint it the truth girl! You said it perfectly, elloquently, and I just about gave myself whiplash nodding in agreement as I read it.

I won't tell you what to do, or that it "will all be okay" (I hate that plattitudinal(wtf?)crap) - but you know where to find me.

thecheekofgod said...

Splendid, from-the-heart post, mah sistah. Need vs. Love. I've never looked at either quite that way before. Your insights are showing . . .

Arizaphale said...

Are you channeling me?

Also that third paragraph concisely described my first marriage.

Trusting that you will be soaring again soon, and, as a famous Australian once said
"Don't let the bastards get you down'.
Oh, too late.

Lara said...

*copy* *paste*

There. Now I don't have to write something similar! LOL

CSquaredPlus3 said...

I agree with your label "life is messy". Hang in there...

Pyzahn said...

Yes, good person that you are, I feel your pain. I'm in the same holy funk. Different circumstances, same Batsa.

Maybe it's a moon phase. Wherever it's coming from, I seriously want it to be gone soon.

I don't think I have any wise words that will lighten the load. You could lock yourself in a room with an Ipod and dance out your frustration.

Me? I'm gonna watch the series finale of Lost and get "lost" in a fake world. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Si, chica?

Heather said...

It appears to be that season. I myself feel guilty for not laying with huffing Mancub while I selfishly read blogs.

*sigh*

flutter said...

love you. that's all

A Free Man said...

Tell me about need. Sometimes with a little boy wrapped around my legs I know exactly what you mean about need vs love. Not the same at all.

Hope it gets better.

Vodka Mom said...

tell them to kiss your ass and come over here for a martini.

FairiesNest said...

I hear that Mercury has been in retrograde and that's why everything is going to hell in a handbasket ...Both my coffee pot and the toaster have died this week. WTF...I hate that planet...

Julie said...

If I didn't know you were remodeling your kitchen, I would think that you must be remodeling your kitchen. You are gonna feel so good when that thing is DONE. That's what you need, and you're gonna love it. The end is closer than it used to be . . .

♥ Braja said...

Well said...sending love and hugs and kisses...is that ok? Oh, and definitely COW KISSES :)
xxxoxoxoo

Deb said...

This is anything but vague and rambling. Need vs. love. Never thought of it the way you presented it here.

hele said...

eesh. that sucks. i know these times only too well.

lots and lots and lots of love and warm toes in the sunshine to make you feel better*

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Good god. Love vs. need. Hubbie and I are going to have a talk tonight.

Gypsy said...

So right on about love vs. need.

maggie, dammit said...

Shit I was gonna say exactly what Gypsy said (eight days ago, damn) but I was gonna use the word apt, which, now that I think about it, is also kind of a Gypsy word. Hmph.

Anyway, it is. Apt.