Jesus Freekin Key-rist, some weeks just seem to draag on forever. It is finally Thursday, and the glorious, most blessed weekend doth loom ahead, but even now, on the eve of my salvation, it seems too far away.
It's at points like this, that I wonder how long a week can seem, when your kids are in middle school or high school. Mine are only on the elementary school stretch, and the weekly projects, the daily parental signing of the reading log, the homework log, the field trip release forms, the endless requests for donations of expensive, sugary treats just seem to never end. I'm afraid of those over-achieving Room Mothers, who sign up for, choreograph, and execute all those horrid, sugar-pumping parties that they feel the kids just have to have. I tend to avoid sitting near them at the obligatory functions, and try to never make eye contact with any of them - I might get drafted by the Uber-Mother Police (who, by the way, are horrible judges of nutrition. How the hell their kids can sit still EVER, based on the shit they want to serve at parties, just amazes me.), and be forced to become some sort of Stepford Mom, who never swears, who admonishes her children if they fart, get messy, or act like a normal kid in any way.
I'm pretty sure, if they ever got their meat hooks into me and forced me to join their ranks, I could probably get kicked out in record time. All I would have to do (besides farting or burping noisily, and then rating it) is encourage my junior sailors to let loose a few f-bombs, maybe call me a Beotch, and that would be that. I like to think of them as my secret weapon. If that fails, I'll just tell them I'm the reincarnation of a Salem Witch, coming back to right the wrongs inflicted upon me by Right-wing, Puritanical, Jesus Freaks....
How could they resist such charms?