I am in a dark place right now.
It isn't surprising to find myself here, lower than my toes in spirit. I've struggled with depression my entire life. I don't want to be medicated for feeling less than euphoric all the time. I don't want to sit in an office and talk to someone who has one eye on the clock, while they pretend to listen. I grew up in the house of one of those people and that gentle, inquiring tone of voice asking you how you feel is a sham; I know what they sound like when they're not in their offices. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of their crazy shit, after hours, when they don't have to be calm and collected anymore, and can whale on their kids and wife at will.
I've been in this dark place before.
I don't want to talk about it with my friends, because they have their own shit they're swimming in right now, which I would have to set aside my own problems to listen to, and I just can't, right now. I can't talk about anything, it seems, with my husband. No matter the time of year, there is a sporting event going on that is more important than listening to me. I told him this morning I was feeling depressed and my concerned, loving, comforting answer from him was, "...... I'm sorry", and he changed the topic to his work schedule.
So here I am, still in that dark place.