Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I am in a dark place right now.

It isn't surprising to find myself here, lower than my toes in spirit. I've struggled with depression my entire life. I don't want to be medicated for feeling less than euphoric all the time. I don't want to sit in an office and talk to someone who has one eye on the clock, while they pretend to listen. I grew up in the house of one of those people and that gentle, inquiring tone of voice asking you how you feel is a sham; I know what they sound like when they're not in their offices. I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of their crazy shit, after hours, when they don't have to be calm and collected anymore, and can whale on their kids and wife at will.

I've been in this dark place before.

I don't want to talk about it with my friends, because they have their own shit they're swimming in right now, which I would have to set aside my own problems to listen to, and I just can't, right now. I can't talk about anything, it seems, with my husband. No matter the time of year, there is a sporting event going on that is more important than listening to me. I told him this morning I was feeling depressed and my concerned, loving, comforting answer from him was, "...... I'm sorry", and he changed the topic to his work schedule.

So here I am, still in that dark place.

12 comments:

thailandchani said...

Well, I hope you will talk about it here... and know there are many of us standing behind you.

I've been to that dark place.. and still go there frequently enough to know how awful it is.

I wish you peace.

Pare said...

Oh oh oh, I'm sorry to hear it, friend.

If you need someone to vent to...

Thinking of you.

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

It seems odd to say it here, because I see you everyday, but whenever you need me, or even when you don't, Im always "down the hall".

Kelley said...

Aww, honey - I *am* sorry. We'll listen.

flutter said...

Love. Friends take care of friends regardless of what shit they are in.

We are here. Lean, baby, lean.

jennifer h said...

Well, we're all here, and won't say a word about sports. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Vent here, vent often. We're listening.

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom that would help. But I'd rather be honest than come up with some lame supportive statement. Hang in there.

Your American Idol! said...

I've been in that place. It's a dark, crappy hole-in-the-wall with peeling wallpaper and leaking pipes. It stinks, and the waiters are surly.

Yeah, I know that joint.

I know there's no consolation in my semi-anonymous words, but hang in there.

FairiesNest said...

Smack that boy up side his head! You know that's right!

slow panic said...

i am there too. sometimes i think the only thing to do is put my head down and push through it.

take care of yourself ok?

maggie, dammit said...

Hey, I thought I saw somebody familiar here! Can you see me? Squint your eyes and look over your shoulder. See?? Wave!

And now let me hug you.

Your American Idol! said...

p.s. btw my little diatribe about hating serialized blogs was in no way aimed at you; I love your stuff. Some others...not so much. But you're A-OK in my book.