It's four days until Christmas. I have all my shopping done, most of the presents are wrapped, and mountains of cookies have been made and tucked into a myriad of tins. The menus are planned from tonight through Christmas Day with such savory lovelies like roast beef and mushroom risotto, ziti with Italian sausage, fresh caught steamed shrimp, and homemade cheese ball. The house is (more or less) cleaned and ready for celebrating, and ready or not, the season kicks off tonight.

Now I just need to find my holiday spirit. I think I might have lost it - thrown it away in a box of old clothes during the summer, or loaned it to someone who never returned it. The question is, can Santa be Santa without his/her holiday mojo?

By all appearances, it would seem so, but I can tell you this: it's going to be a dark January.

A Tale Told By A Nine Year Old

...Full of sound and fury, and the occasional political snippet. I present to you, my son the Bohemian's turkey saga:

One Thanksgiving Turkey

One particular Thanksgiving a very special turkey was on my table. This is the unusual story of that turkey and how he came to be there.

Joe Turkey was born on a turkey farm, just like other turkeys, and he lived in a pen with his brother turkeys. He looked like all the other turkeys but Joe was different. He was smarter than the other turkeys, and he didn’t want to end up as someone’s dinner. Every day he wondered, would today be his turn? Would he end up being killed to make a nice Thanksgiving dinner? One day, at last, he found out it was his turn! He had to find a way to not get killed, but how? He had no time to think of a plan. Suddenly the pen gate opened. One of the turkey farmers came in to get another turkey. Joe ran out as fast as his turkey drumstick legs could carry him!

Although he was scared, Joe kept running. He didn’t want to get killed! A man jumped out from behind Joe and grabbed him. Joe sunk his talons into the man’s face, and he kept running. “Get that turkey!” a man shouted. Joe ran into a barn to hide. As he was looking for something to disguise himself with, he heard a sound behind him. It was Joe Biden, the soon to be new Vice President of the United States. He had given a long speech to the turkey farmers earlier that day and was taking a nap in the barn.

Wham! The barn doors slammed as the turkey farmers came into the barn. They were holding axes, and pitchforks. “Hey!” yelled Joe Biden. “What are you doing in here with those?” One turkey farmer spoke, “We’re here to kill that turkey!” There was Joe, and Joe Biden. Joe Biden licked his lips. “Looks like dinner to me, let me tell you some thing about Joe Biden, Joe Biden likes a good turkey dinner.” One turkey farmer said “get that turkey!” Joe flew out of the barn skylight. The farmers stabbed the ground.

Then Joe fell down out of the sky. He must hide. Slash! An ax fell next to him. It was Joe Biden! Away the hobbling turkey ran. But Joe was snatched by a turkey farmer. A boy held him on the block and, slash! Joe’s bloody head fell in a bucket. Then Joe’s headless body was plucked and papered (prepared, dammit - I missed this one in the editing!). Later my mom bought his body at the store. Joe‘s body was roasted with a delicious stuffing. And that is the story of how he came to be on my table, on this special Thanksgiving day.

This, I feel, is a story destined to be a classic, right up there with the Story of The Mince - an old family favorite (What? You've never heard of a Mince? The small, badger-like creature that was originally the contents of the now-famous pie? Come on...really? Sheesh...!)

Happy Turkey Day to all!

Twas The Week Before Christmas

And the wind was whistling through blogland! I know, I haven't been here either - I'm one of the whistlers. But hey, I got several types of cookies made and frosted (the frosting is the real pain in the behunkus, don'tcha know?) this weekend. Bea and I headed out early Sunday morning (that's right - we weren't in church, ya'll! Pfft! Heeyah...!!!) to finish up shopping for the big day, as well as for our annual Solstice Party, which is on Saturday, and kicks off the festivities for my family, of which, Bea is considered a member (poor girl - don'tcha feel for her?)

My god, we were so productive!

Of course, afterwards, we felt it was our due to reward ourselves with a little Sunday Denial, so we picked up some sushi and hunkered down with a bottle of the bubbly (had to check out the quality of the case we bought, see?) later that evening. OY! It was so good! And a much needed respite from the crazy pace of these past few days.

This week is going to be pretty much the same, and that's OK - its only once a year, right?

At least I don't have to go out shopping for anything else at this point - and I didn't go all postal (I really hate crowds) while we were out shopping, so there's two more pluses!

I can't promise I will be writing everyday, during this next two weeks - really who can? But I will be back in full force in January - the dreaded, loong, depressing anticlimax of January, where I eat all of the Christmas candy the kids left and hibernate in darkness. Now, is that a bad thing? I will come out, sometime around February 2nd, to see if my shadow is there, and nibble a few roots, so not to worry!

I am actually hoping to find some time to go get a bloody tube of burnt umber - my pictures are stalled, waiting for the BU. I tried mixing a brown, but its opacity and dullness was just annoying and not what Ihad in mind. None of the hobby shops in town have what I need, and Michael's is in an area of Cary that is Verboten this time of year - dare I say the name? Crossroads Shopping Center is a traffic nightmare on a slow day (very bad flow - I hope they fired the yutz who designed that parking lot sprawl - sheesh!), and after Turkey Day, we "go not gently into that" hellhole that passes for a shopping center. Its really for the best.

Ah crapola! As lovely as it is to sit and write, I know that I'm supposed to be making Liebkuchen right now. Sigh...it always freaks me out to make it alone - its the boiling of honey and molasses that gives me the heebie jeebies - I have a bad habit of walking out of the room, just as it begins to boil over the edge and gurgles merrily down into the bowels of my stovetop. Have you ever tried to remove boiled sugar-type things from inside your stovetop? Its bad- its real bad. It will make you not go in the kitchen for a long, long time.

Usually Bea helps me make the bad boiling sugar stuff - two sets of eyes and two brains generally yielding better results - but this year she is making biscotti at her house, so I'm on my own. It is really good biscotti - probably won't be any left for anyone else, because I keep eating it all (is that wrong? If loving biscotti is wrong, I don't wanna be right!).

sigh..............

Alright, I'm going....sigh...

(Boiled honey and molasses....wahhhhhhhhh!)

I Promise I Won't Bite

Alright, I was a tad over the top yesterday, with the rant to the unseen. My apologies for the vitriol; though the sentiment is still valid I could have been nicer. Many thanks to Flutter for talking me down off the roof - she's the kindest, realest, most generous person I have ever met in Blogland, and Bea and I just adore her.

Evidently a lot of people are feeling the pre-holiday strain - many of the blogs I read yesterday had similar signs of stress. I didn't think I was stressing, but maybe I am - our family gatherings can be kind of volatile. Luckily, Bea will be going with us, and we are armed with many and mighty bottles of the lovely bubbly - it will either soothe the savage beast or initate an Ethel Merman sing-off - either way, its a distraction.

There is also another, darker side to the holiday season that I could never sum up as well as one plus two has - who says that while its lovely that folks want to help the homeless at this time of year, they need our help and compassion all year round. Have you given to your local food bank yet? They need our help, now and all year long.

I think I want to go over to lemonade and kidneys for dessert though - check out her FABULOUS desserts! I gained 10 pounds just looking at the pictures, and another 5 reading the instructions. When should I be there and can I bring a date?

Happy Turkey Day to All!