Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Cautionary Tales

I was inspired by Flutter's post to relate a few off-color gems of my own.

this is the Deadly Trio:

Story One
I went to the movies once with my friend Ms. Q, and she had to run into the "little girls' room" before she settled in and commenced to a 32 oz, Diet Coke and a bucket of popcorn (carcinogenic salt, optional). While she was in there, I decided to play a little prank on her. Remembering that she was wearing a particular pair of tennis shoes, I ducked around the corner from the door, so she wouldn't see me until she had passed me by. I waited until I saw her tell-tale shoes, and then I jumped out at her.


It wasn't her, but some poor lady, who just happened to be wearing the same type of shoes.


I was mortified, and apologized profusely, trying to explain to her why I had just jumped out at her. I don't really know if she understood - she took off pretty quickly.

So where was Ms. Q, in all this? She exited the ladies room through the other door, and was standing around, wondering where the heck I had gotten to.

But wait kids, there's more.

Story Two
On another occasion, again at the movie theatre, Ms. Q, Bea, and myself had decided to hit the "head" before making the 20 minute plus drive home. We walked into an empty restroom and entered our respective stalls. Being the olympic pee champion, I was finished first and waited by the sinks, for the others to finish. While I was standing there, someone let loose an incredibly loud and fruity bit of flatulence.

"Oh my god, Ms. Q! Are you all right?" I asked her teasingly.

There was a long pause, and then:

"Hey! That wasn't me!" Ms. Q defended.

"Oy! Bea! What died?" I laughingly inquired of our only other stallmate.

Again, there was a pause, and Bea answered,

"It wasn't me!"

It was then we realized that we were not alone in the restroom, and that in one of the other stalls was some poor woman, just trying to do her business, who was now too horrified to ever leave her stall.

Out of pity for her state, we exited as quickly as we could.

I know - we are vile creatures, and will no doubt, be paying a heavy karmic debt someday.
But god, did we laugh our heads off afterwards!


flutter said...

Those are my two favorite stories, well that and the one with the burning bush :)

Maggie said...



Robert said...

These stories remind me of two of my own from my college days. My first year, I lived in a dorm with thirty guys to a floor. We had one main bathroom, so if you had to go, everyone knew your business. I had to go pretty bad, and I thought I could be somewhat quiet when all of a sudden, something reminiscent of a machine gun sound came out of me. The five or six other people in that bathroom ran for their lives, unsure of exactly what had happened. Add to that the fact that the bathroom amplified all sounds and projected them into the hallway... well, when I left, people were literally peaking out of their doors, worried a gunman was loose in the building. That earned me the temporary nickname of the Jackhammer, which is what we all decided it sounded like.

The second story is similar to the first. My best friend and I had just left a movie, and I had to go to the bathroom before I could even consider leaving the building. We were laughing about something, though, and he said something particularly funny just as I got into the stall, so I laughed so hard that I bumped my head as I was getting ready to take my seat, and the laugh combined with the bump caused me to let another Jackhammer go. Everyone else in the bathroom at the time seemed to exit rather quickly, and my friend said the little boy who had been next to him when we came in clearly said very loudly to his father as they exited, "Did you HEAR that guy?"

Yes, I have cleared TWO public restrooms in my life. I just felt the need to share. Now you don't need to feel so mortified.

Robert said...

Oh, and the kid, according to my friend, had a huge grin on his face as he said it.

liv said...

:) this was great!

Chanda (aka Bea) said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha! Lordy those are funny. Yes, there is a great toilett karma debt to be paid for mortifying that poor flatulent woman - I hate to think what it might entail.

Slow Panic said...

that is so funny!

Julie Pippert said...


And now I know just where my youngest will be and what she'll be doing in AHEM 20,30 years.


Robert said...

Julie, isn't she doing that now?